Tag: friends/family

Repeat the Joy

These days, in the midst of so much unrest in the world, I find myself drawn to experiences that will lift my spirits. I look for what will bring me joy: a bird, a book, a piece of music. I am currently reading Ann Patchett’s These Precious Days for the third time. It may be my favorite book of all time, certainly my favorite of hers. It consists of essays about her life, and although I love her fiction, her gift for sharing her own personal stories is unsurpassed. In the space of a few pages, I can laugh out loud and be moved to tears. In short, her books give me great joy, and I often find I want to reread them. To repeat the joy. 

Actually, this is how I’ve always lived my life: discovering new sources of joy and happily repeating many. Music and film, for instance. Anne and I often take the train to New York to see Broadway shows: Jelly’s Last Jam, Lion King, Kinky Boots, Cabaret, Fun Home, Wicked, Dear Evan Hansen.* I’ve seen Hamilton 7 times (3 on stage and 4 streaming)! Listening to, and singing along with, the cast albums is yet another relived treat. There are so many artists and songs I love: indie.arie’s “I Am Light,” Jon Batiste’s “Freedom,” k.d. lang’s “Hallelujah”… anything by Andrea Bocelli. On Christmas Eve, we watch the Frank Capra classic It’s a Wonderful Life (while eating chocolate chip cookies!). And at night before bed: reruns of The Great British Baking Show, with diverse, talented participants and mouthwatering “showstopper” creations. The perfect way to fall asleep: smiling. 

Of course, there is much more to life than books, musicals, and chocolate. One particularly vibrant and joyous thread that runs through my life is the rainbow-colored one made up of all the miracles in Nature, especially seasonal changes. The spring songbird migration, with Baltimore orioles weaving intricate hanging nests and wood thrushes singing exquisite flutelike solos. Summer lilies, azalea, and rhododendron blooming in a multitude of colors, and robins greeting the dawn. In autumn, maple and oak leaves turn golden, red, and orange, and the air is crisp and invigorating. December brings the magical first snowfall of winter. For me, the delight of each season in New England is that it comes again the following year, equally beautiful and exciting to witness.

Throughout the year, the familiar faces of friends and family, ever changing and yet so much the same, fill my life with love and caring. This is my greatest joy, celebrated and repeated over and over, both short- and long-distance. So many years of connections. My parents were with me nearly 50 years; many of my friends have also been in my life that long. And Anne, my life partner, and I have shared our lives for more than 42 years (including 22 years with our beloved cat Lily). Blessings beyond words, all that we have lived through together—and more to come.

The wonders that have touched my heart remain with me. To re-experience them is a gift, one I do not take for granted. We have only so much time on this planet, so why not joyfully celebrate every spring bird migration, every perennial that reblooms, every book or song that moves us, and every “I love you” from those dear to us? As our lives pass through us, we are given the opportunity to do that daily. I remind myself of this every morning with a prayer of gratitude for another “precious day” fully lived and appreciated. And then tomorrow… repeat the joy!
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*Saw Just in Time, the new Bobby Darin biomusical with the remarkable Jonathan Groff, last weekend for my birthday—pure joy and definitely repeatable! 

You’re Not Alone

These are the most comforting words you can hear, whatever you are going through. A friend recently said that to me when I was describing something challenging in my life. We then talked together about what a huge support it is when someone listens deeply and lets you know you are not alone in what you are feeling. It makes all the difference in the world. If we could only remember to hold that compassion in our hearts at all times. And to speak it without hesitation whenever we can.

The human journey through life is not an easy one. There can be extremes of sorrow as well as joy. We may lose loved ones, jobs, homes, a sense of purpose. At times we struggle to understand the meaning of all the events and experiences that pass by us in such rapid succession. Yet, in the midst of difficulty or confusion, love and friendship are a steadying force. Our friends and family are our north stars, lights in the darkness that appear when most needed. Three years ago when I was receiving treatment for breast cancer, loving friends and family surrounded me, and their steadfast presence helped me to remain peaceful and positive throughout. When my parents passed away many years ago, friends from childhood as well as my current life reached out to share memories and empathy, knowing that as an only child, I felt particularly alone. Repeatedly they reassured me that I wasn’t.

I’ve been laid off from jobs, lost my rented apartment when the house was sold, come to the end of relationships, and lain awake at night frightened about death and the unknown. At all those moments, it was the voices of those closest to me who reminded me of how life is more than loss or uncertainty. It is also love and connection, which can be stronger than any sadness or fear. “You’re not alone” are the words that touch our hearts and souls at the deepest level in our most vulnerable moments. Conversations in which we share similar feelings and experiences see us through because we are no longer lost within aloneness or solitary suffering.

So next time you feel frightened, sad, or that life is not worth living, pause for a minute and remember that you can always reach out to a friend to express some of what you are going through. You may find that they have felt, or are feeling, very similarly. Within that connection is life itself, a renewal of spirit that touches you both and gives you the strength to continue with a fresh outlook on everything.

 And, if you recognize unease or sadness in someone you know, don’t be afraid to show them that you are by their side, that you understand. Compassion is our greatest human gift, and the more we share it, the more it grows and fills the world around us with loving-kindness and caring. With each dawn, Mother Earth herself tells us “You are not alone.” May we live that wisdom throughout our lives.

Worry and Its Antidotes

Our minds often seem to be looking for something to worry about: “Who will be elected?” “Why is that person coughing?” “What’s that noise?” If we go online, we are continually bombarded with potential fears: a new COVID variant, rising costs, droughts, floods, shootings…. These stories feed right into the part of our brain that is a problem-solver. A useful attribute, but if the brain can’t find a solution to a problem, it gets diverted to the worry channel. The “What if” station, which seems to become particularly active at night when we are tired. Worries about yourself, your loved ones, and the whole world can take over your life if you let them. So don’t let them…..

What’s the antidote? you ask. Well, I find that there are many, and I have to remember to be open to them all. Remembering is key. In fact, that’s the number 1 step: Recognizing that you are caught in worrying. That puts a brake on and allows you to step sideways into another frame of mind (and heart). I say “heart” because often it’s the heart’s perspective that unlocks the closed door to the room where you are trapped with your worries running wild.

The heart is an optimist. It sees flowers when you might see poison ivy. It sees love when you are caught in fear or anger. How to connect to the heart? Take a walk outside in a park or anywhere else where you can see trees, hear birds, look up at the sky. Nature is a major heart connector. I take daily walks to keep myself centered in a positive frame of mind, to live from my heart and not from mental fears. If something difficult does arise, my heart’s spirit guides me through.

Friends and family can also be antidotes. Anyone close to you who is a good listener and can help you realize that your worries are not necessarily destined to materialize. In fact, most of the time they don’t. Mark Twain had a great saying, which I used to keep posted above my desk: “I have known a great many troubles in my life, most of which never happened.” Perfect description of how our minds make our worries seem real, when they aren’t. They are passing thoughts, which may or may not take form. Why waste time (and your life) focusing on them?

I’ve learned over the years (and keep learning) to find ways to divert my mind when it goes into worry overdrive. Music and poetry* help. Walking helps. Nature helps. Meditation** and yoga. A favorite sitcom rerun on TV. Eating healthy food I love (e.g., cherries, grapes, avocados). The kindness of those close to me who listen and reassure me with simple words like “Yes, I understand.” (My partner is very good at this.) There are countless ways to find positivity in your daily life and open your heart in the process. Because when your heart is open and really connected to life’s wonders and beauty, worries fade to the background and may disappear entirely.

And if they return tomorrow in different guises, you and I always have effective antidotes at hand. As the wise tell us, “Love is stronger than fear.” I’ve found that to be true, again and again.
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*This song always lifts my heart: “I Am Light” by India.Arie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2E3dBtTtBw. And Mary Oliver’s poem “I Worried” is the perfect antidote: https://www.mindfulnessassociation.net/words-of-wonder/i-worried-mary-oliver/.
**Every morning I listen to Panache Desai’s free online meditation Call to Calm: https://www.panachedesai.com/.