Tag: Panache Desai

Infinite Inner Space

© 2007 Anne S. Katzeff / Artist
© 2007 Anne S. Katzeff / Artist

“Your soul is the silent witness of your life.”
—Panache Desai

That one sentence changed everything for me. Yes, I had heard about the “witness” before, but it was an idea in my head that I could never access within my own experience. After years and years of meditation practice, I continued to be lost in my thoughts. Then, during a webcast, I listened to Panache talk about dropping into present-moment awareness by simply taking a deep breath and repeating, “Here I am.” And here I am. And here I am. Now. And now. And now. Something shifted within me, and I was there, or rather here, in presence. The next morning at sunrise, during meditation, I was able to step back from my mind’s mental chatter into a silent inner space of awareness, of peace. When thoughts arose, I could observe them without losing consciousness. If I drifted into my thoughts momentarily, I found I could bring my self back to witnessing from the soul’s point of view: “Here I AM…now.”

That I AM that lives within each breath is greater than the personality self connected to the mind. It is a pure state of being, of infinite consciousness, which links all beings on the planet, actually in the cosmos. When I access that inner silent space, I am in the same place that you are when you access it. Within that living awareness, we are in complete and utter oneness. Within that space is the deepest peace and calm I have ever known. Infinite, with no fear attached to the endless being-ness. Some call this place Heaven, or Home. It is the source from which we all arise into human form and into which we dissolve at the end of our lives. It is God or Goddess; it is Great Spirit. It is Om.

And immersion in this profound state of consciousness is not limited to human beings. Animals experience their own contemplative moments. My dear cat Lily in her elder years used to sit on the back of the couch by the window, facing west at sunset, eyes closed in deep meditation. In the tall oak tree in my neighbor’s back yard, leafless now in the winter months, birds gather each evening, all facing west, their breasts shining red-gold in the setting sun.

We creatures living on Planet Earth find connection and comfort in the profound sacred silence that occurs at moments like sunrise and sunset. It reminds us of something beyond our lifetimes, something eternal and infinite at the heart of the universe—and within our own hearts. It reminds us that even when we feel most alone, there is always the loving presence of a greater consciousness of which we are part.

God Is in the Goosebumps

Photograph © 2011 Peggy Kornegger
Photograph © 2011 Peggy Kornegger

These are powerful times. The veil between the physical and nonphysical realms is thinning, and we are becoming more and more aware of something greater that permeates and expands our experience here on Earth. Yesterday was the harmonic gateway 12.12.12, synchronistically occurring on the same day as the Maya New Year, 8 Batz, in the Cholqij calendar. Next week, the long-anticipated date December 21, 2012, will finally become present, then past. No single day is the point of complete awakening or ultimate transformation, however. Everything is part of a continuously expansive becoming that humanity is experiencing at this time.

For me, the moments of clarity and opening have been increasing exponentially over the past few months. In October, I attended a 4-day gathering with Panache Desai at Kripalu Yoga Center in western Massachusetts. I’ve taken part in gatherings and webcasts with Panache for over a year now, and with each experience, I find that my heart opens wider and wider. At this particular event, as part of a meditation journey, I asked for a tangible physical sign of the presence of Spirit in my day-to-day life—and not just any sign—one that would “blow me away” with its power and “unmistakability.” Well, I got my wish. As the weekend progressed, I found that chills covered my body at every synchronicity or deep connection with another person or with the group as a whole. God was not only “in the details” (as the saying goes); he/she was very much in the goosebumps!

In the weeks after Kripalu, the chills increased in frequency until, during a 12.12.12 Global Gathering in Florida this past weekend, they became practically nonstop. Beautiful experiences in nature, deeply touching music, inspiring passages in books, and loving conversations with friends all brought up the now-familiar gooseflesh, and often tears as well. As I took daily long walks in my neighborhood, my heart would open and my eyes would fill at the beauty everywhere: a towering evergreen silhouetted against the sky at dusk; a Japanese maple surrounded by a scarlet carpet of autumn leaves; the vast expanse of endless blue sky streaked by white/pink clouds at sunset. At the Florida gathering, the collective energy of the 405 people present was so powerful that it shifted every cell in my body to a more intense loving vibration.

What I discovered was that I was actually living the wise advice that I had read somewhere once: Live every moment as if it is your first, or last, on Earth, as if you have never seen this world before, or will never see it again. Every second became filled with such poignancy and such heart-breaking magnificence that my body, and my soul, could only respond with tears and goosebumps. And gratitude, infinite gratitude. To be alive at this time and to experience the magic of the world as it transitions into a greater expression of itself, and we all become greater expressions of ourselves, is the most amazing miracle I can imagine.

A number of years ago, comedian Lily Tomlin starred in a one-woman show on Broadway called The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe (written by Jane Wagner). One of the play’s many characters, Trudy, the wise/crazy bag lady, talked about her “space chums” who visited her and were in awe of the “goose bump experience” here on Earth. They would take that back with them to outer space

 

Growing Up Godless

I grew up outside of organized religion. In a small Midwestern town, this was unheard of. I knew no one else like me; all my friends dutifully went to church every Sunday. My parents didn’t want to impose any one set of religious beliefs on me, so they basically left the door open. They told me that God might exist or might not; it was not provable, all based on belief—the agnostic’s view. So I was left with a question mark and a feeling of “differentness” among my peers. I can remember feeling very uncomfortable whenever the topic of church or God came up at school, fearful that I would be “found out.”

When I was about 9 years old, my parents took me to a Unitarian church service in a nearby town, after which I commented, “I’m glad that’s over!” Clearly I wasn’t longing to go to church as much as I was longing not to be different. When I reached college age, all my new friends were rejecting their religious upbringing, and I found myself ahead of the game since I didn’t have a religion to reject. But still I was searching for something, as were so many others of my generation. The meaning of life perhaps, or the secrets of the cosmos. At any rate, I gradually began to look for answers in diverse spiritual books and teachers, not really wanting a guru or one answer, but rather a tapestry of truths that resonated with me.

My search for meaning was partially driven by a deep-seated fear of eternity/infinity, which I had carried within me since childhood, possibly because I had no superimposed God image to block the fear. The void, or an endless universe in which “the world went on forever and ever,” was very real to me. Eternal life and eternal death seemed equally frightening. Still, in spite of this, I was a happy child for the most part, nurtured and supported both by my parents’ unconditional love and by the natural world outside our rural home. It was only at night that my fears about the infinite universe arose.

These night fears continued throughout adulthood, even after I came to believe in Spirit, or a greater sacred presence in the universe. After many years of spiritual exploration and growth, it was in an individual session with Panache Desai that I had my first tangible experience of infinity as an expanse that was both peaceful and comforting (see previous blog post “Infinity). Months later, during Panache’s webcast series “Mother, Father, God,” I faced my long-ago religionless past. As he instructed listeners to embrace the image of God they had grown up with, until it disappeared and became one with them, I felt disconnected, alone, different, stuck in my Godless childhood. But when he said, “The Divine in essence is formless and nameless and is in fact love,” I suddenly realized that I was already at “disappeared,” and God/Spirit had always been a part of my life, as love. I felt old fears dissolving as I also realized that I had never really been alone. God, or the Divine, was always there, at my very core.

Looking back, I see how what seemed my greatest challenge as a child was in fact my greatest blessing. What I experienced then, through my parents, through nature, and within my own heart, was Divine love in its purest form, undiluted by human concepts of an external God. Now, in my present life, as I continue to have extraordinary experiences of Spirit and infinity, I am so very grateful for my parents’ openhearted love and wisdom which allowed me to follow my own path when it came to matters of the spirit.

“Look in your heart for God, for truth, for the answer. Feel that heart space—that is where you and infinity can meet, because your heart is not limited, but ever expansive.”—Panache Desai

 

Rainbow Child

In my last blog post, I wrote about reliving my physical birth during a meditation in Panache Desai’s “Awakening Your Authentic Soul Signature” at Omega. My other “birth” that week occurred during an individual breakthrough session, separate from the rest of the program. At least I thought it was separate, but with Panache, all separation has a tendency to dissolve. This was my second breakthrough session with him (see previous blog post “Infinity” for a description of my first session in Costa Rica). I felt that I still had some blocks that I wanted help with releasing. Well, my mind’s idea of why I was there didn’t align with Panache’s perception of why I was there.

First, I should say that Panache sees people energetically. He sees their infinite potential and sees where there are blocks to that potential. And he pulls no punches in telling you what he sees. After a few minutes of addressing the issue I presented to him, he said, “When are you going to come out to yourself?” My background, which he knows, is that I have been out in the world as a lesbian for many years (35) and have been with my partner for 29 years. I came out within the feminist movement of the 1970s and have marched in the streets for women’s and gay rights in the years since then. So I wasn’t buying this comment from him; I thought, “What does he know about being a lesbian? He’s a straight man.” Still, I remembered that he had more than once said that lesbians and gay men are some of the most courageous people on the planet because they are living their truth. So, my resistance gradually faded, and our hour together became a mutually expansive dialogue and an extraordinary emotional inner journey for me. His perception was that I had come out to the world, but part of me had not integrated it on an emotional level (this is what he saw energetically).

And damn if he wasn’t right. Looking back, I realized that my decision to come out in the 1970s had been a political one (deliberately choosing equal relationships without male/female roles). I chose with my head, and only partially my heart. In the course of the hour, I moved through memories of coming out (the disapproval and hatred as well as the acceptance and love) and also came face to face with my own judgments about bisexuality and heterosexuality (betrayal of your sisters), which I had formed at that time in my life. I thought I had moved to a more accepting, inclusive mindset, but surprisingly, I had old opinions stuck inside me. Through tears, laughter, and vibrational transformation (I was shaking all over), I released old judgments and separations and stepped into my own soul signature truth: “I am all of the labels, and I am none of the labels. I am a whole energy-being of light. I am divine consciousness expressing itself as a lesbian.” And Panache was right there, experiencing it with me (crying too). He was instigator and participant (getting in touch with his “inner lesbian”), as well as trusted friend. A completely integrated rainbow lesbian birth after all these years—who knew?!

The other part of the story is that I decided to share my breakthrough experience in the larger group of more than 60 people, and other individuals also spoke of separations/fears/judgments about sexual identity and roles that they carried within them. It became an ongoing part of our evolution during the week. On the last morning of the program, Panache had us all, as one soul family (himself included), repeat out loud together, over and over: “I am a lesbian. I am gay. I am bisexual. I am straight.” Very powerful and very healing. Our soul selves are indeed all of those labels and none of them—that’s oneness. Some of us have come into this life to stand in the truth of being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender—identities that expand the wider experience of what it means to be human on Planet Earth. Sometimes that’s terribly challenging or frightening. Other times, as we all evolve into a greater love, it feels like the greatest blessing in the world.

“That which you’ve gone through in your life has served to bring you into the fullness of who you are here to be for yourself, for your friends, for your families, and for an entire planet.”—Panache Desai

Birth Day

“Welcome Home!” a friend emailed me after I returned from a week’s retreat with Panache Desai at Omega in Rhinebeck, New York, last month. Little did she know how appropriate those words were. In the deepest possible sense, I came home to my self over the course of the two programs (“Receiving Boundless Abundance” and “Awakening Your Authentic Soul Signature”). The weekend Abundance program laid intense groundwork for the second Soul Signature one, and it was during those latter five days that I experienced not one, but two “births,” one taking place on my actual birthday. Along with so many others who were present, I stepped into being more myself (the soul self that I came to this planet to be) than I had ever been in my life.

Panache’s gatherings, more accurately called vibrational transformations, always pack a punch, but this one was off the charts (see previous blog post “The Silence Within” for a description of the avatar presence that Panache embodies which shifts those around him). Most of it was so experiential as to be almost beyond language, but I want to at least try to share one particular morning’s meditation journey in which I relived my birth at the very same clock time that I had been born. Throughout the meditation, Panache played a CD of mantras designed to help us move through any emotional blocks that were keeping us from living our full unlimited potential. We were encouraged to access any past fear- or survival-based experiences so that we could feel them through to completion (and thus free up the flow of life energy within us). He walked quietly among us, speaking occasionally, touching occasionally.

After a short time of not really feeling anything, suddenly I was catapulted into my own traumatic birth experience, in which both my mother and I almost died. She was hemorrhaging, and I broke her tailbone as I came through the birth canal. Reliving it, I experienced the neck and head pain associated with pushing to be born. Survival for me was linked to straining, struggle. My default mode has always been trying, never surrender. Completely letting go has been difficult for me because I always try to do it. As I emotionally felt the source of this within my own birth, something in me finally relaxed and surrendered to the experience of being born, on a physical and energetic level. My whole body began to vibrate, internally and externally, and my root chakra (linked to survival) was pulsing so strongly that it felt like energy was radiating out a foot or more from my lower abdomen. Simultaneously, I felt pressure and tingling at my crown chakra on the top of my head. It was if my energetic life support system was being blasted wide open for the first time since my birth.

The experience was powerfully liberating, and I cried tears of both release and gratitude. In the process of letting go completely and flowing with my rebirth, I also began to feel as if I were being gently touched by Spirit at different points all over my body, particularly my hands, which seemed as if they were being held by strong reassuring spirit hands. I truly felt surrounded by a deeply loving eternal energy, unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was completely beyond the mind and within my heart/soul, trusting the infinite universe that held me. It was amazing. Afterward, in the hours and days that followed, I felt lighter, quite literally—filled with light and spaciousness. Welcome home, indeed!